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Love bugs


“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” – William Shakespeare, All’s Well That Ends Well


So you want to be a suave, debonair, worldly lover. Sweep the apple of your eye off their feet, and sweep all competitors for their love away, away, away forever more.

Me too. And with that in mind, and hoping my one true love and beauty extraordinaire doesn’t read this, I’d like to reveal my deepest-kept secret for romance. It’s the surest, most-effective, long-lasting, enticingly exquisite tease. One which can keep you in warm-loving embraces and lovey-dovey kisses for time and eternity. If you do it right.

Inept or inappropriate application of this tricky technique can put you in the doghouse, or worse. Caution and proportion are of utmost importance. It is also necessary to match said application of love to your intended target of affection. Knowing thy love’s innermost thoughts and secrets will help a great deal. Re-evaluation of your success, after application and feedback is received from said loved one, is also recommended if you wish to live a long and healthy life.

And the plan, plain and simple, is to bug. Not BUG, just every now and then to bug. To be sufficiently irritating so as to occasionally be considered cute, to have your true-love know that it is you, only you, that has seen through the chinks in their armour. Humour is key.

Timing too, and rolling out the plan with a smooth and velvety touch will greatly enhance your chance of success. And you have to be committed. No second thoughts half-way through. You’re either in, or out. Changing course in mid-stream is gonna land you in deep, dark, don’t want-to-be-here love-trouble, guaranteed. You’ll end up being Desi in an ‘I Love Lucy’ episode, with a lotta ‘splainin’ to do. So stick with the plan whatever you do.

I should add that I come to this approach honestly, freely adapting from Three Stooges and Marx Brothers classics …which I’m sure my beloved subconsciously recalls and somehow approves of, being a child of the 50’s and B&W teevee. In the same breath my wonderful, creaky cantankerous Scots mither needs to be credited with setting me well and truly on the bugging path.

After a Jackie Gleason or Red Skelton skit for instance, I’d often test out a new and improved adaptation for home use. Early attempts elicited a smooch on the forehead, but as I grew older and no wiser a gnarly arm-deadening fist to an exposed nerve would be the telling of my success. Almost always the ‘wee bugger’ would unceremoniously be thrown outside to play, quite often in the rain – which may explain the reason I like living here on Vancouver Island, now that I think of it. But I digress…

Impromptu bugs are fine, like for instance tripping your loved one so they do that funny little two-step and give you that hilarious ‘what-the-hell-are-you-doing’ look. But having them fall face-first in a mud-puddle, although quite humorous to you or me, can result in some unanticipated sleepings on the couch.

You have to be quick at weighing out consequences against the potential for a really good one-off slap-stick type gag at your lover’s expense. Remembering of course that what’s good for the goose can be sweet, sweet revenge for the gander. I myself get a bit twitchy when walking arm in arm past a mud puddle.

Similarly, buckets of water over the door, or banana peels at the top of the stairs, are not on. It turns out that jumping from behind a closed door, especially when your beloveds arms are full of tax papers she’s filing for you, is also not good. Who’d have thought that those self-defence classes she took would lead to you walking with a limp for a week, and having to do year-end taxes to boot!?

Measured, with consequences considered and well-scouted, sneaky, creepy, gotcha bugs can still be effective however, but may best be undertaken at least twice arm and leg-kick distance.

So, there you have it. The sure-fire secret that’s kept my romance burning some 38+ years, which I credit for keeping my marriage quite interesting and my high-step quick. To this day my heart beats faster and my pulse races whenever I catch my wee beauty looking my way.

Love, and the perfect bug. Some things are worth striving for!

Writer Laurie Gourlay feeling prankish.

Writer Laurie Gourlay feeling prankish.


– Laurie Gourlay has worked with environmental groups for thirty-odd years, farms 20 bug-full acres organically on Vancouver Island with the high-kicking wee beauty Jackie Moad, and wears his family motto proudly ‘on guard of thee’, whilst also running Thistle Consulting Services – seeking local solutions to global challenges.

About the author: Laurie Gourlay

Laurie loves organic farming.

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