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The “Bend over” test

It takes a lot to pull a guy out of retirement, but recent marketplace developments are urging me to put on a clean shirt, put down the television remote, finish that beer and get back to work. But not just anywhere, I was thinking about Lululemon, the yoga wear giant whose corporate motto must read: Crowd Pleasing Posteriors since 1998.

In case you’ve lived in a Tibetan monastery for the last ten years and don’t get out to the mall much, I’m talking about the company that produces those delightful form fitting yoga tights. Pants that do for the butt what push up bras and low cut tops do for the bust.

Just as tops have been getting lower and lower, so has the material in their stretch pants been getting clingier and clingier until one observer, (make that blabbermouth) said, “Hey, wait a minute, these things are made of Saran Wrap.” To which most women responded, “Duh. Why do you think we bought them?”

But the complaints were valid; the latest batch of tights was a little too clingy, sheer enough in fact to make a hooker blush.  Where the old pants disciplined the cellulite molecules making them march as a team, the new batch highlighted every cheeseburger a gal ate since puberty. I know this because I’ve just spend the last 36 hours going over every image I could find on the Internet, to which all I can say is, “holy smokes.”

The press, knowing full well that any story with the word “butt” in it sells, jumped all over this issue, the end result being, much to my personal disappointment, a recall of the offending pant.

Before we continue, a little something about Lululemon; a company that has “educators” not sales staff and “guests” not customers. For those who don’t have a life of their own, there’s also a Lululemon lifestyle, which as far as I can see is approaching life with your best cheek forward.

Lululemon’s founder Chip Wilson is ready to help educators adopt that lifestyle, some might say over eager as, according to Wikipedia, educators are “given certain books that founder Chip chose as being critical to his development and each employee is required to read every one.”  That’s why I’m sending him my prized but slightly dog-eared copy of Batman and Robin, the True Story. With his interest in tights, he’s gotta be interested.

The company, unlike Mark’s Work Warehouse, has their own online videos, a guest feedback forum and a blog called Ask Britt where customers can ask Lululemon’s lead product educator tough questions like, “Dear Britt, do these make me look fat?” To which Brit responds, “No dearie, overstuffed bratwurst is just the look these days.”

But back to our story, for some reason the “too sheer” complaints wouldn’t go away, causing Lululemon’s now terminated President, the Margaret Thatcher of ladies wear, to fire back with unprecedented candor. “You’re buying the pants too small,” she said to the guests, adding, “Girls, do your bend over tests. Put them on and bend over, get one of our educators over to check them out.”

When I heard “bend over tests” that’s when I knew it was time to get back in the job market. With 65 years of checking out women’s bottoms, the company can’t afford not to hire me. Knowing that the CEO position is open, I asked Britt about qualifications and she listed the following, which I did not make up, mainly because they’re just too stupid.

According to Brit, the successful applicant “Needs to lead the organization to create components for people to live long, healthy and fun lives.” Apparently being a powerful communicator in Sanskrit helps. And if that’s not enough, knowing how they got the caramel in the Caramilk bar would be a major plus. Which is surprising, because if I had to go to the mall in those sheer tights, I’d be laying off the candy.

I can’t rightly say I know how to get women to live longer, but I sure know how to increase men’s life expectancy. Encourage nurses to wear the new sheer tights. Meanwhile it is imperative all extended care homes get rid of any nurse name Gary. Having a 55-year-old male nurse, with a five o’clock shadow, waking you up with, “time for your enema, Harold” is definitely not good for longevity.

Now as far as Sanskrit is concerned, I’m not what you call a powerful communicator, but I know enough to get by, all the important phrases like, “I’ll have the deep dished pepperoni, extra pineapple, hold the kale.” Or, “up yours, Gary.”

Admittedly I don’t know the Caramilk secret, but I do know how to put the nuts in the nut bar, and that’s by hiring people like me.

But as any business owner will tell you, the most important consideration in choosing a CEO is finding one who can pay for himself. That’s why my first step after being hired will be to raise my $5 million salary (plus beer expenses) by auctioning off the ridiculous Lululemon name to the NBA where it would go to the highest bidder. For a paltry $5 million bucks, plain old Don Smith from Butt Cheeks, Omaha can be transformed into that overnight sensation Lulul emon, who not only is effective from the three-point line but also is also far more accurate at peeing in a mop bucket than that Canadian pipsqueak Justin Beiber. (See Entertainment Tonight for details.)

For the new corporate name I suggest something a little more traditional, Butts R Us, or maybe Bottoms Up, which we’ll also adopt as a signal to perform a Bend Over test.

And that’s only a sampling of my ideas, hire me as CEO and watch me go. But even if you choose another, there’s no hard feeling, I’ll gladly work as an educator, especially if I get to run the bend over tests.

An exceptional red, whether you’re bent over or not, from the Rhone, Rasteau, Perrin, $22.


Delbert is the co-proprietor at Mahle House.

About the author: Delbert Horrocks

Delbert Horrocks

Delbert is the co-proprietor at Mahle House restaurant in Cedar.

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