Baseball caps & brain damage
On any given day in North America, there are 70 million women complaining to 70 million other women about their husbands, none of who, among other things, can get it into their heads that Tuesday is garbage day.
“How can he be so stupid?” these women ask. “He never used to be this dumb.”
The answer is perched jauntily on the men’s heads. It’s called a ball cap, and although so far unrecognized, it represents the biggest mental health hazard men face. This startling discovery came out in a recent survey (okay, I was talking to two of my brain damaged friends) which revealed, when it comes to procuring a concussion, nothing beats wearing a ball cap, hockey isn’t even close. You cantake a rocket scientist, put a cap on him, and by summer’s end he’s a monosyllabic responder. “Yo! Bubba.”
The problem is visibility, or lack thereof. The ball cap was designed to block out the brightest object known to man, the sun. By doing so it blocks out everything else above the five-foot level, especially if worn low over the eyes.
Those who wear baseball caps will know immediately what I’m speaking about. Those of you who haven’t, don’t be a prude, borrow one from a neighbour and go for a walk in a park with low hanging branches, or better still a construction site laced with overhead hazards.
Bring plenty of Band-Aids and wear a blood red shirt because odds are, you’ll return bleeding and possibly with a lilac branch sticking out of your forehead identical to the one sticking out of mine, a result from mowing the lawn earlier today.
If you do not take off the bloodied hat immediately and place it in a safe place, say your toilet, repeated concussions can be expected. For some unknown reason, the brain becomes accustomed to repeated abuse and begins to crave it.
Pretty much what happens in a marriage.
It’s not dissimilar to those old boxing movies where the much-pummeled hero keeps urging his adversaries on. “Hit me, hit me!” From here on down, the spiral is quick. Even if you were a brain surgeon when you first started wearing the hat, pretty soon you’ll be working in a garage with an overhead hoist, the edges of which are slowly being ground off by baseball-capped foreheads.
This begs today’s second question. Why do people wear ball caps backwards? These are the fortunate ones who realized in time what was happening to them and spun the bill around back before too much brain damage occurred.
Nevertheless, by this point some damage has already been done, that’s why a hat on backwards is the universal signal to “Stand Well Clear. I am Moderately Brain Damaged.”
If they were undamaged, they would not wear a hat at all, but rather toss it in the toilet alongside mine.
People who wear their hat with the bill on the side, should be given an exceptionally wide berth as the damage has reached catastrophic proportion. This is especially so when the crotch of their pants is at knee level indicating a fully loaded diaper or a brain with similar content.
This assessment may seem harsh until you realize wearing pants that low severely compromises man’s most important tool of survival, his ability to take flight, to affect a quick exit, especially when his wife comes stalking toward him with that expression that says, “alright, what happened to the lilac tree?”
An even more serious form of brain damage can be found in country music stars who wear a hat with a brim the size of Stanley Park so ridiculously low you might just as well be wearing a garbage can as far as visibility is concerned.
If you encounter one of these individuals, common decency suggests taking him gently but firmly by the hand over to the closest hat removal station. Leaving him unattended is like leaving a man who’s forgotten garbage day staked out on the lawn with absolutely no chance of escaping his wife’s pummeling when she returns home from work.
The repeated pounding these individuals take by limiting their field of vision so drastically explains why they often talk with an affected, totally superficial, western whine, a sure sign of multiple concussions.
For those of you still in need of outlandish headgear, look to the British for design. Some of their efforts, especially around a Royal wedding, can feature large fruit baskets, small fur bearing animals, and can reach up to four stories high.
Please note however, ever since what happened to Prince Charles, their designs are vertical, not horizontal. As to what happened to Prince Charles, no one’s saying.
Now if you’ll excuse me, the arborist is here to see about removing this lilac branch from my forehead and grafting it back on the tree.
If you’re looking for a delightful summer sipping white to ease the pain of your forehead, try the Italian Orvieto by Antinori, about 13 bucks.
Delbert Horrocks is co-proprietor at the Mahle House Restaurant in Cedar.For more silly stories, try Delbert’s blog, Slightlycorkedandmore
Wine tasting garden party
On Sunday, July 17, from noon until three, put down that shovel, park that lawnmower and forget about those weeds, they’ll be there when you get back. Come visit us in our garden instead. It’s the annual Mahle House Wine Tasting
Garden Party, the wine tasting event of the year. Enjoy a delicious alfresco lunch, try all the latest wines, and treat yourself to a carefree day in the sun. $65 per person, all inclusive. Space is limited, so reserve early if you can. 250-722-3621. mahle [at] shaw [dot] ca