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Save the box!

Save the box!!!

Why someone would celebrate the birth of Jesus by giving me a three- pack box of argyle socks is beyond me. Nevertheless, I thanked Santa and added them to the pile of other garments I would never wear. As I walked over to the woodstove with the box they came in, I wondered about Argyle. What must he have done to have a plaid sock named after him?

I was just about to chuck the box into the blazing woodstove, when my wife and two daughters, in perfect three part harmony, at volume level nine point seven, which is usually reserved for “DROP THE GUN!” or “PUT THE BOMB DOWN NOW,” hollered, “SAVE THE BOX!!!”

This illustrates one of the basic differences between men and women; women save boxes, men burn them. Why women save boxes, we’re not so sure. It’s not as if cardboard is needed for the war effort. (Hey Sarge, what’s with the cardboard tanks?) A sales clerk, if asked politely, will give you a box for free. Seldom will they respond with, “Our men are risking their lives overseas, and you’re asking for a box?”

Psychiatrists refer to this phenomenon as “empty box syndrome,” and find it useful when testing for gender ambivalence.

Psychiatrist: (Who might just be wearing argyles, need I say more?) When I say box, what’s the first word that comes to mind”?

Young Jack: (Who made the big mistake of choosing a gender neutral Halloween costume.) Woodstove.

Psychiatrist: Way to go Tiger. You made the team, don’t forget to ogle my secretary on the way out.

Fathers too can use it to test their daughters’ fiancés for manliness. Take the guy aside and say, “The wife’s away this weekend and some of the boys are coming over for brewskis and to burn a few Christmas boxes, make a little room in that hall closet. (Wink wink, nudge nudge.) You in?” An eager response earns your endorsement, even if the guy rolled up in a Toyota Prius.

Not that a guy isn’t allowed a rough patch. Even I had what’s known in argyle sock circles as a “container collection issue.” I got addicted to collecting yogurt tubs. Mind you, it was the sixties, all my friends were practicing yogurtarians, and how can you be certain 1473 empty yogurt containers is enough.

But I recognized the problem, sought help and was successfully deprogrammed, after which I got off yogurt and moved on to cheeseburgers and fries. It’s important to keep in mind however that as far as container addictions go, yogurt is considered the marijuana of the lot because unlike boxes, yogurt containers nest, taking up very little room under the sink.

But boxes, that’s another story, they can quickly overrun a hall closet, a spare room or a garage in no time. In fact, a recent study revealed that what we thought was a housing crisis is not a crisis at all. The study determined there would be enough houses for everyone if the rooms weren’t crammed with so many boxes.

Field interviews with homeless men all revealed the same story. “It starts with the hall closet, then that gets filled up, and it’s into the spare bedroom. Your shop is next, then you make the mistake of saying either the boxes go or I do. Boom, you’re out on the street.”

Another study showed that the majority of women care more about the box than the gift inside. Which means we men have been wasting money on gifts; instead, we should have been investing in more elaborate boxes.

That’s why I’ve linked up with a savvy group of investors who have come up with the concept of the world’s first box only store, and that’s exactly what we’re going to call it, Boxes Only. The idea of course is to get the first store up and running and when the profits start rolling in, franchise the hell out of it.

And let me tell you, these investors are smart cookies. They’re the ones behind the six litre wine glass. You know, for when the doctor limits you to two glasses a day. This rocket was heading to the moon until the medical community got drift of it and issued a health bulletin stating the glasses had to be five oz pours.

That’s how we ended up with an aircraft hanger full of wine glasses just waiting for the right marketing idea. At first we thought birdbaths, but apparently birds like to bathe with their feet on the ground, which explains all those drowned budgies out back.

The next idea was to market them as spittoons, a task which they’re particularly well suited. Unfortunately spitting has fallen out of fashion, and unless we can get world leaders like Brad Pitt and Miley Cyrus interested, we might be out of luck.

Not that our little investment group has all our eggs in one basket, our best idea yet is the remote control fridge. Imagine the convenience of having the fridge come to you rather than you having to go to the fridge. Wouldn’t that just be the ultimate in modern living?

Our group still has 110% faith in this idea, despite a few technical glitches. Apparently remote control fridges don’t do well on stairs, which is the reason our public relations department has strongly suggested we pull a Rob Ford and say we’re REALLY, REALLY. REALLY sorry about all you downstairs folks crushed by fully loaded fridges.

With an experienced group like this it’s just a matter of time before my investment pays off, a good thing because I’ll be able to afford a new bathroom, an important consideration since the other two are inaccessible thanks to the girls’ box collection. That’s why all you potential investors should join us, put down your common sense now and be the first in your area with a Boxes Only franchise. Time is of the essence, so don’t wait, phone 1-800-BOX-FRAUD and give us your money now.

While you’re at it, pick up a bottle of the 2011 Gray Monk Riesling, $14.95, excellent.

In the meantime, if your marriage is important to you, DON’T BURN THE BOX!!!


– Delbert is the co-proprietor at Mahle House Restaurant in Cedar. Read more of his articles at


About the author: Delbert Horrocks

Delbert Horrocks

Delbert is the co-proprietor at Mahle House restaurant in Cedar.

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